Today is my daughter's second birthday. Last night it became clear that we weren't pregnant again.
Last year on my daughter's first birthday, I was happy and so proud. Today I am still so very proud because she is the most amazing little girl. But I'm sad. Cuddling her to sleep for her morning nap today, I realised she may very well be my only one. I may not get pregnant again. I may not get the chance to feel another little baby booting me from the inside, convinced the way out is somewhere between two ribs. I may not be given the chance to feel totally excited and terrified in equal measure when labour starts. I may not get the chance to breastfeed another baby, knowing that I am giving them everything they need to grow and thrive - the little noises and tugs, and little hands resting on my boob. When she gives up her morning naps (the only time I cuddle her to sleep), I may never get the chance to cuddle another baby to sleep again.
That makes me really sad. I'm not ready to not have another baby.
This time last year, I thought we'd maybe have another one by now. Or at least I'd be hugely pregnant again. We fell pregnant so easily last time - second month of trying and WHAM! I thought it would be so easy again. But after eight months, it's pretty obvious it's not. We've got another four months until we're classified as infertile and before we can step this up a notch. I can only pray that something miraculous happens in the next four months, though I'm going to be away during our 'window' this month, which leaves only three months more.
But is this God telling me the answer to my constant prayers is "no"? And I have to say, I completely disagree with the part of the Bible that says God will give you the desires of your heart! That's bullshit! If God gave everyone every desire of their heart, everyone would be a Christian, and every Christian would have a wonderful life where every member of their family lived until 100, had the exact number of children they wanted, those children would be crazily successful and never get into trouble or lose their way, and nobody would get cancer, or they would be cured as soon as they were diagnosed! But that doesn't happen. It's not reality. Because sometimes God says no.
I think God is saying no. I hope He's saying "Wait. Keep trying." Time will tell.
I'll let you know.